Turning a Corner

It’s just a little after 1 am on Thursday morning- I’m usually upstairs trying to get a little sleep, but tonight is a bit different. This time two weeks ago we were at the hospital getting ready to meet Hazel for the first time. Our little girl is already 2 weeks old today, and while the days all seem to blend together at this point, time has gone by so quickly. In two weeks we have come a long way- we have been home from the hospital for over a week, and have adjusted relatively well to life with a newborn. Hazel has settled into what can only be described as a “routine”- not a normal routine, the kind that Jered and I are used to, but a “routine”- the kind where things tend to change from day to day, but generally follow a similar pattern.

So why am I up at 1 am writing a blog entry? Well… Hazel has had a rough evening- mom ate a bunch of edamame yesterday which still seems to be making its way through her system, and we are starting to think that Hazel might be a bit intolerant to lactose in my diet. All of the books on breastfeeding that we have perused have suggested cutting out dairy as the first step in trying to figure out what foods upset the baby. Starting tomorrow I am going to go dairy free for a week to see if that affects her gasiness at all. I find it somewhat humorous that I am restricting my diet more now than I did when I was pregnant!

In addition to Hazel being gassy, (and thus very fussy and quite inconsolable) tonight is a bit different from other nights because I had a bit of a mom moment with her sitting on the sofa in the dark. The past two weeks have been very hard- more difficult than anything I’ve ever done. This is not to say that we haven’t absolutely enjoyed every moment we have had with Hazel, but I won’t lie- there have been many a frustrated tearful mornings and evenings. I never thought that parenthood would be such an emotional journey. I realize that the dramatic shift in my hormones is partly to blame for this, but I am also keenly aware that much of the emotion we are experiencing is far from biological! After a quick nap during which Jered comforted our gassy lassie I came downstairs for the night shift. I decided earlier this evening that I wanted to stay downstairs with her instead of sleeping in the bedroom, just because she has been so fussy all evening. Sitting with Hazel, rubbing her tummy and burping her in every position possible- I expected to feel extremely frustrated, much as I had throughout the week when she would be fussy. Instead, something about tonight is different. I’m not sure what exactly is different, but rather than feeling frustrated and tearful, I just feel a strong sense of wanting to make sure that Hazel is well taken care of. I have felt this way before, but tonight the frustration and sheer exhaustion just didn’t stick around.

So, sitting here with Hazel at 1 am, I look down as she finally falls asleep and I notice that her little cord stump has fallen off. Two weeks to the day that she was born, and there it is- shriveled up and black, no longer attached to her belly. Call me overly sentimental, but it felt oddly symbolic- here we are, up in the middle of the night, both of us trying to make sense of our new roles, me as a mother and Hazel as a little person in a great big world, just doing the best we can- and the cord stump finally shrivels up and falls off. She is out in the world, no longer safe and protected inside me- and we are all three learning together how to make sense of it all. I think we may have turned a corner. I’m sure there will be many more frustrating and tearful days, but somehow, tonight everything is right with the world.

Now, I need to get some sleep- she’s finally out and I have no idea how long that will last!

Filed under Pregnancy by esther |