Being a dad

When Hazel was born, my world was thrown into a tail spin. I knew it was coming, I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, but it was overwhelming. I was home with Esther and Hazel for 3 weeks and in that time I got used to the idea of having a daughter, but I was still not really comfortable with her.

Comfort is an odd thing. Old shoes, comfortable, worn-in jeans, very comfortable. Learning to live with a baby, not comfortable.

Esther and I were talking about the hormonal rush that mothers get, how it helps them through the difficult first weeks. The surge of chemicals do some magic things, helping Esther get through the late nights, the sometimes painful feedings, the lack of personal space. The only problem with the post-baby hormones: Dad’s aren’t evolved enough to get them as well.

Please don’t think I was aloof or uninterested in Hazel, far from it. Hazel and I had a special bond, she and I understanding how to get her to go to sleep. The difference was that my body didn’t give the extra kick after the adrenaline wore off. That feeling was similar to “hitting the wall.” I know Esther hit the wall, but somehow she managed to push through it, at times leaving me feeling like a bad father.

I have grown into being a father, just as Hazel has grown and changed. Now, I am very comfortable with her, I just had to get used to having a second lady in my life. Now, our bond is larger than just me being able to rock her to sleep. We have conversations and yes, she does talk back. She laughs at her father’s stupid jokes and we enjoy snuggling. We like eating together, when I feed her and when she watches me eat in an exaggerated fashion.

Now that Hazel is 100 days old, I can say that I am happy to be a dad. I love my daughter in a way that now lets me understand the hormonal rush that new mothers get. I understand why animals can be so protective of their young. I understand a lot more about being a dad. After the first few week, I have a better understanding of the kind of patience it can take to raise a child, the amount of love you need to give a child and most importantly, the amount of fun it can be.

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